Curry Chicken and Zucchini, Macaroni and Cheese, Apple Turnovers, Cookies, Lemonade, Chicken Pot Pie, Ziti, Peach Cobbler, Gougeres, Peanut Noodle Salad, Chicken Livers, All that Bread, French Toast, Pancakes, Devilled Eggs, Lemon Squares, Chicken Noodle, Casserole, Black Bean Stew, Shrimp Salad, The Best Cornbread I've Ever Had, Biscuits and Gravy, Baked Salmon, Pan Roasted Asparagus, Creamy Mashed Potatoes...

I told Ms K the other day how much I appreciated the effort she puts into preparing food for the family. And how we are all being treated to something very extraordinary, even though it may seem run of the mill to us. She is just a very good cook, and she will say that she just prepares herself very well, but even that is a blessing for us, and more than I think most families get. It's a very important job, and she simply excels at it. It's the reason why Miss S and I continue to do well in our work and in life. It's the reason why we are healthy and happy. A solid, balanced, nutritious diet supports us every day. And behind those meals is a dedicated and generous mother.

Cranky Bugs

I've been having a few good days and a few low days. It's unpredictable to me how each day will go. Some days, like today, I wake up slow and lethargic. And not in too good a mood, having missed time that I need to get things done. Now it just piles up, those things I need to do, but don't get around to. And then I get to work and I'm so tired I just want to sleep a moment in my truck. And I feel weak and untogether and so so disappointed in myself. And then I may start to feel unappreciated for all the hard work that I do accomplish, and that I can't even respect what I've done in light of everything that I'm failing at. And this is hard, because I start to feel really alone, and I start losing sight of what my real goal is, which is to connect with Ms K. But I feel so far away from her at times, I feel rejected and unattractive, and given such little regard. We need faith, hope and love. Days like this do not help.

It's disheartening but also distracting. I need to focus, and not get caught up in traps and obstacles. I don't underestimate how important my efforts are to hold together my relationship with Ms K. There's a palpable air of discomfort when we get too close, and I want to shut that down. There's a wall she has put up to protect herself from me, and I need to help her take it down.

I need to get more "you're welcome" and less "uh-huh".

It's never over, until it is. And it isn't now, so it's not. And I won't act like it is. Ms K is an amazing person, beautiful, smart and strong. She seems to like me a bit, and sees good quailties in me, that I'm a good provider and protector at least. So don't stop now, D - it's time to go and get it.

She Bangs the Drums

Ms. K's birthday week is upon us, and I think I'm doing a good job at helping her feel happy and celebrated. Birthdays for us are more than just a one-day affair, and we consider them sacred days. Ms. K's birthday did not start particularly well - she woke up late and grumpy. My cheerful attitude was no anitote to her foul mood, but I sat with her, and allowed myself to be at here disposal as she wished. I made a trip for breakfast coffee, and then when she got up to get ready to go meet Miss S, I retired to bed, hoping the afternoon would be more pleasant for her. I figured it would improve, since presents were to be involved.

And indeed it was. A day later, and she is still raving about how her wonderful birthday, and thanking Miss S and me for our thoughtful gifts, which she is putting to great use. The drum, and the pad, and the stands, and the books are all getting used. S and I really seemed to have hit a home run on presents. And I was able to see Ms. K off to sleep that evening as I hoped I would, with a nice footrub included.

So it appears that the first two events of the Ms. K Triple Crown have been passed with flying colors. This has really been an "all hands on deck" kind of week, with the upcoming party, and the WholeMatser construction, and S's last week of school, and K's birthday in the middle of the week. It's no wonder I slept for so long yesterday, but I feel invigorated, and ready to continue celebrating the birthday week of my lovely wife.

Whirlwind!

This is a crazy week. A lot better than last, for sure. I feel really good with K, and perhaps there's a correlation between how busy I am and how well she's feeling around me. Or maybe it's not just busy, but productive.

It's been a very K-centric week, even though I've done little of my normal foot rubs and Dari-Mart runs. When she opened up to me about her experience at work early in the week (about her talk with the director), it just brought me out of my funk of despair. And it's been rolling since - I've been running around town and the internet, securing her b-day presents. Lots of b-day planning. Getting Miss S where she needs to be in the morning and afternoon, and helping keep the keep the house neat and orderly. Lots of stuff. Capped yesterday with Ms. K tagging along to the Hult Center, and us winding up spending some time together at the mall. Lots of smiles from me.

She's such a big influence on my mood. She's like my moon. And my sun.

Meat Market AWOL

This was one of those days that I was really looking forward to, and it turned out to be disappointing. Not just disappointing, but really stressful and nervewracking.

Almost two months ago, I made a terrible error in judgement, and it led to Ms K once again doubting my love for her and doubting the future of our married life.

Last night, I acted in a similar situation, but in the opposite way. I was attentive to her, even to the point of almost being pushy. But it was because I care for Ms K. And I love her, and I want her to be healthy and happy for a long long time. And I want her to know this. I need her to know this. Afterwards, I thought it was a significant event.

Also, I was invited to join Ms K on an errand Friday morning, and as it got closer, I was looking forward to it more and more. We had spent a really nice weekend together, and a nice week as well, having wacky conversations, and giggling together at Miss S' school. And I'd had a successful week back at the gym, and had been riding my bike to work. Feeling really good, and hoping that Friday morning would expand into something really fun and eventful with Ms K. And even the weeks to come, with Ms. K's birthday, and wowing her with my HoleMaster set, and just... the gray days going away and summer really starting to open up.

So I'm confused and disappointed that on Friday morning, Ms K said she didn't want to go run errands, and that she didn't want to do anything with me. She said she felt fine, and nothing was bothering her. I wouldn't say she wasn't nice to me, because she wasn't anything. It was one of those times where she doesn't acknowledge me, which always leaves me feeling really small. So I said I was going to sleep, and she replied with a "'kay" without looking up, and what did I do to get such inconsiderate behavior? If she's angry at me, why?

I'm sure she feels put upon in some way. I hate to make her feel like she has to carry an unfair burden. I will continue to pay attention, to keep moving forward, and make sure she knows that I want to work hard, too. That I can do it, and that she is the driving force behind my efforts. I want this to be cooperative, and if anyone should be leaing on anyone else, it should be her on me.

I'll continue to look at this. If it is or isn't me, I want her to know that I care about her. She has me . For whatever she needs me for.


We can do it!

A Tree Falls on Centennial

There's so much about this past Memorial Day weekend that's worth mentioning. So perhaps I should just make a list:

1. Lady K would be Ashton Kutcher, Miss S would be Lady Gaga, and I would be um, a friend of Ashton Kutcher, were we able to switch bodies with someone for a week. K likes the idea of being relaxed and hooked up. And being ready to have some fun. What a great pick.

2. Also, I would pick Kyna to stay with me in an Antarctic outpost for two years. Besides Sydney, I don't know who else I could stand to have with me down there for so long. I think Kyna and I could find a good balance. I enjoy her company, and I enjoy being around her but not necessarily hanging out. And I like the way she plays Cribbage, and counts her points. I don't know, maybe Ashton Kutcher would be cool, too.

3. KDS survives nature, restaurant mediocrity, and more nature, on a soggy-ish Memorial Day. I had a great time with my family doing letterboxing. K and I sneaking giggles at Miss S' grumpy expense was great, especially since eventually got Sydney out fo her bad mood. Even eating at the Hop Valley Brewing Co restaurant. Not because of the food or the service, but the company. And then, on the ride home, a big tree fell on the car in front of us. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and it turned into an awesome experience that everyone wanted to tell. Oh, and how excited was everbody when Kyna and I were in the photo in the paper.

And that was only part of the weekend. Don't forget the winery tour, the snack food bonanza, the Lord of the Rings, and on and on.

I love these guys.