Overdrive

I get a lot of inspiration from Lady K. She just wants to go for it, to go for the life she wants. So many fakers and deadends and beaten paths get in her way - she just wants to make it all for herself. And she really tries. She's convinced, convicted, to get more and more out of her life.

Everytime she drums, she exemplifies her desire to strengthen herself and enhance her life. I don't just watch her drum because she wants me to (although the desired company is nice). I watch because I want to support her. I watch because I want to spend time with her. And I watch because I want to be close to this energy. She is practically banging against every obstacle and preconception that's been made for and about her. It's an actual piece of her dreams for the future. And her efforts to improve and work on it should be respected and encouraged by everyone.

Her drumming is important for all of us. I hope she never grows tired of it.

This Charming Man

Dear Diary,

Today was really a low day for me. I just hope that we can reach the next high point without losing too much. It had a couple really good times. Especially when Ms. K came to me with such enthusiasm about what she learned in Office 2007. I savor moments like those so much. But it later turned sour, and I reverted to old, stammering, sad-eyed, sorry, sorry David. My entreaties were met with silence and a blank stare. As they probaby should have been.

My mind is filled with worries, and things to do, and things I don't do, and time, and money. And sometimes I'm just tired, and it's all a fog, and I can't think straight. And I need to think straight, every moment. My relationship with Ms. K is so fragile, that at any second it can fall to pieces. Yet, I know it's just as easy to keep it strong and make it strong. I know how much love and admiration I have for Ms. K. It just requires more organization. More effort and forethought.

I suppose under other circumstances, I should cut myself a break. But I can't. She's not worth taking any chances on. And yet I do. Because I just get tired. And I'm worried. And then I get focused on taking a break. And then things get dropped. For all the work and everything that I do, I'm such a lazy person. And Ms. K knows it. She's knows my darkest secret, and that's why she's so disatisfied with me, while everyone else thinks I'm super stellar at everything. It hurts me to hear myself being called 'spouse-of-the-year', because I know how untrue it is. I guess on paper, all my output is good-looking. But it's just symptoms and things and chores that people see me attending to.

Where I want to be, and where my wife wants to be, is a much more difficult path. Or yet it seems to be. I suspect that it's rather simple. But it requires attention. And not short-term, but an actual dedicated investment.

Like a garden. Ms. K is my garden. I want to watch her grow, and be rich and bountiful. And happy and warm. I want to sustain her, and have her sustain me.

I can't imagine a better place to spend my time.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled program...

xxoo David

Fortenite in Revue!!!

It's been a couple of interesting and exciting weeks around the household, and with Ms. K. She and I have spent a lot of time hanging out together around the house. Mostly, it involves the two of us playing cribbage, which is good, because it usually includes conversation and laughter. We did get out to play tennis, with E-beth and Miss S, which was fantastic - I hope to do more of that with K very soon.

And a lot of stuff going on with K and her job. I've tried to be as supportive and listenable as possible, because I think K values being able to talk to someone about her life. And I want to be that first go-to person. She's such an amazing person, with a straight head on her shoulders, and a take-no-guff attitude.

Yet, there are times when she feels vulnerable. And that's where I really want to fit into her life - as the person who will comfort and hold her no matter what. Who will know her fears and what makes her uncomfortable, and be there for her with support and understanding no matter how trivial these fears may be.

Because I love her. Because she put a spark in me a long time ago, that still burns. There's something about her that I connect with, something about our personalities that may clash sometimes - but they connect in ways I've never felt before. Or it's just my fondness of her overrides my my natural inclination to be bored with other people. Usually I try to get away from people. And don't get me wrong, I love my loneliness, but with K, I'm not trying to get away. I'm trying to draw her attention. I guess she's just very good at keeping me wanting more.

So, I'd normally dread going out to some random family's house for dinner. But, since I'll be with K, it's fine. I feel completely comfortable with her by my side. Not like I have to show her off, or not like I'm afraid to leave her side, or not like I'll look forward to talking to other people who aren't her. But just the comfort of knowing that I can float around this party, but come attach myself to her any time I need to. And she'll let me in. As far as parties go, I think she feels the same way.

Anyway, maybe from the world she only deserves a fair shake, but from me, it's not about what she deserves. Or maybe it is, it's just that I think she deserves more from me than from anyone else. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who paid attention to your wants, who was there to fulfill every whim, who anticipated your desires?

Well, I'm not perfect at it, but I'll keep my pecker up.

Role Reversal

You know, it just hit me that Lady K could have turned out to be completely out of her head with ideas that I could not tolerate. What if after marrying her, I discovered her worldview, life philosophy, etc., was not aligned with my own? You know, like, what if she became a Tea Partier or something? And I imagine she felt she was taking a risk with me, but I turned out to be alright. We're not exactly the same, but there's no real fundamental differences in our opinions. I just want her to have a platform to speak her mind, and for me to listen and respond, and have our conversations flower and veer and go all sorts of places. But in harmony. We hardly ever battle when we talk. It's often a lot of "yeah, me too." Which I really love. And even if not, I think we both feel safe in our conversations together. Sometimes, it's just too mind boggling to imagine how lucky I really am. I'm not alone and neither is she. And we were able to find each other.

She would make a good me, in my alt-gender biopic.

What He Said

Here's a lengthy journal entry from the last day of April. You know what they say about the rain in April, right? Well, it wasn't pretty - it was a fierce storm that almost tore us apart. Thankfully, we held together. I wrote the following shortly after making up:

I wonder if what happened today was the power of love or the power of fear - no, I know it was both. And that's okay. We aren't robots. Fear and love are intangible and abstract concepts that are hard to control, and contain.

Part of me has the idea that our reconciliation is a result of the fear of change. The fear of breaking hearts - especially that of Miss S. Despite the problems in our relationship, there is a level of comfort and security that is hard to dismiss. It's there. To say it doesn't exist at all would be a lie. What I must do is embrace this fear, and then dismiss it, replacing it with truer, stronger feelings.

Ultimately, the feelings of fear - the fear of loss, failure and loneliness - are outweighed by the love that I have for K. And it's about more than her beauty, more than what she gives me, more than who she is, which if you were lucky enough to know, would already understand what a blessing she is to have in your life.

It's about this special kind of connection, which gives me this pure, unique and powerful feeling of joy, gratefulness, purpose, worth and pride. It's about feeling two people as one. Working and living and feeling in tandem. Not that we aren't tp be our own person. But in a special way, our own beings are an extension of each other. That K's life is fed by my love. That our roots are entwined, and we feed each other with love as we shoot skyward.


She means all that to me and more, in ways that I will describe in the days, weeks and years to come. I invite you to listen to what I have to say - to hear my voice as I venture to discover the true meaning and expanse of our relationship.

Here are some things that I will give K, to help nourish herself (and myself) during our journey:

1. Worth - I heard this word a lot yesterday, and her feelings of unworthiness cut deep. I will work to show she has meaning to me, and all the different ways that I value her.

2. Understanding - Often when we fight, we each come to new terns of understanding about ourselves, which is often new to each of us. I will work to help us come to these enlightening moments without the baggage of pain and frustration.

3. Honesty and openness - related to understanding, but I will find a way to be open about my feelings, about my life, about my mood and opinion.

4. I will listen.

5. I will do what I say.

6. I will make her want to be with me. Forever. I will make her believe I want to be with her. Forever. Which is true.

7. Love - My love for K does not waver. But I understand it is not always felt. It is often mute by normal day-to-day events. This is where what we have been experiencing differs from what happens in relationships we admire. I will work to show that no matter when nor where, there is no doubt of my love.

8. I will continue to deliberate, explore my mind, write, and seek to understand this relationship. I will nurture it, and love it. And play with it every day.


Now I will go back and lay down with my wife. may anyone reading this be inspired to embark on their own journey to truly understand and appreciate heir closest relationships and the things that matter most in their live.

xxoo David

Down in the Dumps

Lady K and I took a tour of the county landfill yesterday. Whereas most people would wrinkle their nose, and say, "gross," my wife and I are pretty much game for unique opportunities to see how shit works. Doubt I'll ever go again, but glad I saw it once. And if anyone ever asks if you want some leachate in your coffee, say no.

Yeah, so what was really fantastic about this was the opportunity to get out with my wife in a scenario that didn't involve 'inside our house' or at a 'little kids soccer game.' No, this certainly was not dancing nor dinner, nor anything initiated by me. But it was still a departure from the rigueur de vivre, which I think is desired by us both.

After such an interesting and enjoyable outing together, let's hope to see our hero keep the ball rolling and treat his lady right.

Testing

1-2-3


We have liftoff.