Swordfish!

One thing I like about K is that she is complex without being complicated. She has doors that aren't always open, and rooms not fully explored. She can be as mysterious as a darkened attic, and as bright as opened French doors. And it's all done with with a tasteful decor that's original and intriguing, yet not pretentious and overbearing. Also, even in the open spaces, there's always a nook or cranny or corner that can yield surprising results upon closer look. It's a great place to visit and feel at home.

She is like those houses she loves, which I love, too.

Hungry Like El Lobo

I woke up today at my set time, which was really good. My family was caught up in other stuff - S was falling asleep on the sofa. And K was talking on the phone with her mother. That's another story, and a really exciting one, methinks. But this story is about when I went to grab the computer, K quickly took it and changed the page that had been on the screen. Then she turned it over to me without saying a word. I knew the World Cup scores were on that page, and I was about to take a look at them. I thought perhaps K was trying to keep me from seeing them, so that I could not have any replay viewing spoiled, and later, that's exactly what she told me she was doing.

She's just been really attentive lately. Trying to make sure I get in some World Cup watching, or even paying attention to my silly monster game. Or suggesting she and I swap cars to make my trip up to PDX more comfortable. Or really trying to help me come up with a solution to money issues. Lots of things, but the World Cup stuff really helps it all stand out. She's not sooo different that I think it's a new K, maybe it's just me who's noticing her. I bet that's it. Whatever it is, I like the connection, and I like the attention and the consideration. I like that it's all happening during such a potentially stressful time - a hot house, the middle of reorganizing a whole bunch of stuff, etc. It's just really cool to feel tuned in and moving in the right direction.

Oh shit, I know what else! That flipping Duran Duran tv show! I do not believe for a minute that she was remotely interested in watching that, and I know it got a bit tedious for her at times. But what a great sport she was about it. To find it, and stick around to watch it with me. Oh, and Nick's her favorite - smart girl.

That seriously makes me feel special. And makes me want to return that feeling to her.

Clang! Clang!! CLANG!!!

Ms K and I completed a very important project this weekend - the conversion of the Spider Room into a much more welcoming storage space. Long after the drywall had been hung, we finally primed and painted the room, as well as bought and constructed new storage shelves. Ms K's comment about how the new organization reminder her of her Playmobil grocery stroe is not far off the mark. Our mutual desire for clean and orderly has been fulfilled in our work on this room, and I can't express enough how fun it was to do it with Ms K. Working side by side with her on something like this was fantastic. Sure, there were early mornings and late afternoons, and there was a lot of work to do, and we weren't each always at our best at the same time. I certainly was a bit grumpy and tired Monday afternoon, but Ms K really helped me keep my morale intact, while pushing hard to finish the job.

And of course, there's a new crop of inside jokes for us, such as the one about building a submarine at 0830 in the morning. We were tired at the end (and Ms K even started hauling boxes from the attic after I passed out!), but the effort was well worth it - the Spider Room and the garage look great! The car is back where it belongs, with room to spare. We spent a very satisfying weekend together working on improving our home, and indirectly, our relationship. It's a very encouraging result that I hope keeps us on track for completing our goals. Go Team KDS!!!

Curry Chicken and Zucchini, Macaroni and Cheese, Apple Turnovers, Cookies, Lemonade, Chicken Pot Pie, Ziti, Peach Cobbler, Gougeres, Peanut Noodle Salad, Chicken Livers, All that Bread, French Toast, Pancakes, Devilled Eggs, Lemon Squares, Chicken Noodle, Casserole, Black Bean Stew, Shrimp Salad, The Best Cornbread I've Ever Had, Biscuits and Gravy, Baked Salmon, Pan Roasted Asparagus, Creamy Mashed Potatoes...

I told Ms K the other day how much I appreciated the effort she puts into preparing food for the family. And how we are all being treated to something very extraordinary, even though it may seem run of the mill to us. She is just a very good cook, and she will say that she just prepares herself very well, but even that is a blessing for us, and more than I think most families get. It's a very important job, and she simply excels at it. It's the reason why Miss S and I continue to do well in our work and in life. It's the reason why we are healthy and happy. A solid, balanced, nutritious diet supports us every day. And behind those meals is a dedicated and generous mother.

Cranky Bugs

I've been having a few good days and a few low days. It's unpredictable to me how each day will go. Some days, like today, I wake up slow and lethargic. And not in too good a mood, having missed time that I need to get things done. Now it just piles up, those things I need to do, but don't get around to. And then I get to work and I'm so tired I just want to sleep a moment in my truck. And I feel weak and untogether and so so disappointed in myself. And then I may start to feel unappreciated for all the hard work that I do accomplish, and that I can't even respect what I've done in light of everything that I'm failing at. And this is hard, because I start to feel really alone, and I start losing sight of what my real goal is, which is to connect with Ms K. But I feel so far away from her at times, I feel rejected and unattractive, and given such little regard. We need faith, hope and love. Days like this do not help.

It's disheartening but also distracting. I need to focus, and not get caught up in traps and obstacles. I don't underestimate how important my efforts are to hold together my relationship with Ms K. There's a palpable air of discomfort when we get too close, and I want to shut that down. There's a wall she has put up to protect herself from me, and I need to help her take it down.

I need to get more "you're welcome" and less "uh-huh".

It's never over, until it is. And it isn't now, so it's not. And I won't act like it is. Ms K is an amazing person, beautiful, smart and strong. She seems to like me a bit, and sees good quailties in me, that I'm a good provider and protector at least. So don't stop now, D - it's time to go and get it.

She Bangs the Drums

Ms. K's birthday week is upon us, and I think I'm doing a good job at helping her feel happy and celebrated. Birthdays for us are more than just a one-day affair, and we consider them sacred days. Ms. K's birthday did not start particularly well - she woke up late and grumpy. My cheerful attitude was no anitote to her foul mood, but I sat with her, and allowed myself to be at here disposal as she wished. I made a trip for breakfast coffee, and then when she got up to get ready to go meet Miss S, I retired to bed, hoping the afternoon would be more pleasant for her. I figured it would improve, since presents were to be involved.

And indeed it was. A day later, and she is still raving about how her wonderful birthday, and thanking Miss S and me for our thoughtful gifts, which she is putting to great use. The drum, and the pad, and the stands, and the books are all getting used. S and I really seemed to have hit a home run on presents. And I was able to see Ms. K off to sleep that evening as I hoped I would, with a nice footrub included.

So it appears that the first two events of the Ms. K Triple Crown have been passed with flying colors. This has really been an "all hands on deck" kind of week, with the upcoming party, and the WholeMatser construction, and S's last week of school, and K's birthday in the middle of the week. It's no wonder I slept for so long yesterday, but I feel invigorated, and ready to continue celebrating the birthday week of my lovely wife.

Whirlwind!

This is a crazy week. A lot better than last, for sure. I feel really good with K, and perhaps there's a correlation between how busy I am and how well she's feeling around me. Or maybe it's not just busy, but productive.

It's been a very K-centric week, even though I've done little of my normal foot rubs and Dari-Mart runs. When she opened up to me about her experience at work early in the week (about her talk with the director), it just brought me out of my funk of despair. And it's been rolling since - I've been running around town and the internet, securing her b-day presents. Lots of b-day planning. Getting Miss S where she needs to be in the morning and afternoon, and helping keep the keep the house neat and orderly. Lots of stuff. Capped yesterday with Ms. K tagging along to the Hult Center, and us winding up spending some time together at the mall. Lots of smiles from me.

She's such a big influence on my mood. She's like my moon. And my sun.

Meat Market AWOL

This was one of those days that I was really looking forward to, and it turned out to be disappointing. Not just disappointing, but really stressful and nervewracking.

Almost two months ago, I made a terrible error in judgement, and it led to Ms K once again doubting my love for her and doubting the future of our married life.

Last night, I acted in a similar situation, but in the opposite way. I was attentive to her, even to the point of almost being pushy. But it was because I care for Ms K. And I love her, and I want her to be healthy and happy for a long long time. And I want her to know this. I need her to know this. Afterwards, I thought it was a significant event.

Also, I was invited to join Ms K on an errand Friday morning, and as it got closer, I was looking forward to it more and more. We had spent a really nice weekend together, and a nice week as well, having wacky conversations, and giggling together at Miss S' school. And I'd had a successful week back at the gym, and had been riding my bike to work. Feeling really good, and hoping that Friday morning would expand into something really fun and eventful with Ms K. And even the weeks to come, with Ms. K's birthday, and wowing her with my HoleMaster set, and just... the gray days going away and summer really starting to open up.

So I'm confused and disappointed that on Friday morning, Ms K said she didn't want to go run errands, and that she didn't want to do anything with me. She said she felt fine, and nothing was bothering her. I wouldn't say she wasn't nice to me, because she wasn't anything. It was one of those times where she doesn't acknowledge me, which always leaves me feeling really small. So I said I was going to sleep, and she replied with a "'kay" without looking up, and what did I do to get such inconsiderate behavior? If she's angry at me, why?

I'm sure she feels put upon in some way. I hate to make her feel like she has to carry an unfair burden. I will continue to pay attention, to keep moving forward, and make sure she knows that I want to work hard, too. That I can do it, and that she is the driving force behind my efforts. I want this to be cooperative, and if anyone should be leaing on anyone else, it should be her on me.

I'll continue to look at this. If it is or isn't me, I want her to know that I care about her. She has me . For whatever she needs me for.


We can do it!

A Tree Falls on Centennial

There's so much about this past Memorial Day weekend that's worth mentioning. So perhaps I should just make a list:

1. Lady K would be Ashton Kutcher, Miss S would be Lady Gaga, and I would be um, a friend of Ashton Kutcher, were we able to switch bodies with someone for a week. K likes the idea of being relaxed and hooked up. And being ready to have some fun. What a great pick.

2. Also, I would pick Kyna to stay with me in an Antarctic outpost for two years. Besides Sydney, I don't know who else I could stand to have with me down there for so long. I think Kyna and I could find a good balance. I enjoy her company, and I enjoy being around her but not necessarily hanging out. And I like the way she plays Cribbage, and counts her points. I don't know, maybe Ashton Kutcher would be cool, too.

3. KDS survives nature, restaurant mediocrity, and more nature, on a soggy-ish Memorial Day. I had a great time with my family doing letterboxing. K and I sneaking giggles at Miss S' grumpy expense was great, especially since eventually got Sydney out fo her bad mood. Even eating at the Hop Valley Brewing Co restaurant. Not because of the food or the service, but the company. And then, on the ride home, a big tree fell on the car in front of us. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and it turned into an awesome experience that everyone wanted to tell. Oh, and how excited was everbody when Kyna and I were in the photo in the paper.

And that was only part of the weekend. Don't forget the winery tour, the snack food bonanza, the Lord of the Rings, and on and on.

I love these guys.

Overdrive

I get a lot of inspiration from Lady K. She just wants to go for it, to go for the life she wants. So many fakers and deadends and beaten paths get in her way - she just wants to make it all for herself. And she really tries. She's convinced, convicted, to get more and more out of her life.

Everytime she drums, she exemplifies her desire to strengthen herself and enhance her life. I don't just watch her drum because she wants me to (although the desired company is nice). I watch because I want to support her. I watch because I want to spend time with her. And I watch because I want to be close to this energy. She is practically banging against every obstacle and preconception that's been made for and about her. It's an actual piece of her dreams for the future. And her efforts to improve and work on it should be respected and encouraged by everyone.

Her drumming is important for all of us. I hope she never grows tired of it.

This Charming Man

Dear Diary,

Today was really a low day for me. I just hope that we can reach the next high point without losing too much. It had a couple really good times. Especially when Ms. K came to me with such enthusiasm about what she learned in Office 2007. I savor moments like those so much. But it later turned sour, and I reverted to old, stammering, sad-eyed, sorry, sorry David. My entreaties were met with silence and a blank stare. As they probaby should have been.

My mind is filled with worries, and things to do, and things I don't do, and time, and money. And sometimes I'm just tired, and it's all a fog, and I can't think straight. And I need to think straight, every moment. My relationship with Ms. K is so fragile, that at any second it can fall to pieces. Yet, I know it's just as easy to keep it strong and make it strong. I know how much love and admiration I have for Ms. K. It just requires more organization. More effort and forethought.

I suppose under other circumstances, I should cut myself a break. But I can't. She's not worth taking any chances on. And yet I do. Because I just get tired. And I'm worried. And then I get focused on taking a break. And then things get dropped. For all the work and everything that I do, I'm such a lazy person. And Ms. K knows it. She's knows my darkest secret, and that's why she's so disatisfied with me, while everyone else thinks I'm super stellar at everything. It hurts me to hear myself being called 'spouse-of-the-year', because I know how untrue it is. I guess on paper, all my output is good-looking. But it's just symptoms and things and chores that people see me attending to.

Where I want to be, and where my wife wants to be, is a much more difficult path. Or yet it seems to be. I suspect that it's rather simple. But it requires attention. And not short-term, but an actual dedicated investment.

Like a garden. Ms. K is my garden. I want to watch her grow, and be rich and bountiful. And happy and warm. I want to sustain her, and have her sustain me.

I can't imagine a better place to spend my time.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled program...

xxoo David

Fortenite in Revue!!!

It's been a couple of interesting and exciting weeks around the household, and with Ms. K. She and I have spent a lot of time hanging out together around the house. Mostly, it involves the two of us playing cribbage, which is good, because it usually includes conversation and laughter. We did get out to play tennis, with E-beth and Miss S, which was fantastic - I hope to do more of that with K very soon.

And a lot of stuff going on with K and her job. I've tried to be as supportive and listenable as possible, because I think K values being able to talk to someone about her life. And I want to be that first go-to person. She's such an amazing person, with a straight head on her shoulders, and a take-no-guff attitude.

Yet, there are times when she feels vulnerable. And that's where I really want to fit into her life - as the person who will comfort and hold her no matter what. Who will know her fears and what makes her uncomfortable, and be there for her with support and understanding no matter how trivial these fears may be.

Because I love her. Because she put a spark in me a long time ago, that still burns. There's something about her that I connect with, something about our personalities that may clash sometimes - but they connect in ways I've never felt before. Or it's just my fondness of her overrides my my natural inclination to be bored with other people. Usually I try to get away from people. And don't get me wrong, I love my loneliness, but with K, I'm not trying to get away. I'm trying to draw her attention. I guess she's just very good at keeping me wanting more.

So, I'd normally dread going out to some random family's house for dinner. But, since I'll be with K, it's fine. I feel completely comfortable with her by my side. Not like I have to show her off, or not like I'm afraid to leave her side, or not like I'll look forward to talking to other people who aren't her. But just the comfort of knowing that I can float around this party, but come attach myself to her any time I need to. And she'll let me in. As far as parties go, I think she feels the same way.

Anyway, maybe from the world she only deserves a fair shake, but from me, it's not about what she deserves. Or maybe it is, it's just that I think she deserves more from me than from anyone else. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who paid attention to your wants, who was there to fulfill every whim, who anticipated your desires?

Well, I'm not perfect at it, but I'll keep my pecker up.

Role Reversal

You know, it just hit me that Lady K could have turned out to be completely out of her head with ideas that I could not tolerate. What if after marrying her, I discovered her worldview, life philosophy, etc., was not aligned with my own? You know, like, what if she became a Tea Partier or something? And I imagine she felt she was taking a risk with me, but I turned out to be alright. We're not exactly the same, but there's no real fundamental differences in our opinions. I just want her to have a platform to speak her mind, and for me to listen and respond, and have our conversations flower and veer and go all sorts of places. But in harmony. We hardly ever battle when we talk. It's often a lot of "yeah, me too." Which I really love. And even if not, I think we both feel safe in our conversations together. Sometimes, it's just too mind boggling to imagine how lucky I really am. I'm not alone and neither is she. And we were able to find each other.

She would make a good me, in my alt-gender biopic.

What He Said

Here's a lengthy journal entry from the last day of April. You know what they say about the rain in April, right? Well, it wasn't pretty - it was a fierce storm that almost tore us apart. Thankfully, we held together. I wrote the following shortly after making up:

I wonder if what happened today was the power of love or the power of fear - no, I know it was both. And that's okay. We aren't robots. Fear and love are intangible and abstract concepts that are hard to control, and contain.

Part of me has the idea that our reconciliation is a result of the fear of change. The fear of breaking hearts - especially that of Miss S. Despite the problems in our relationship, there is a level of comfort and security that is hard to dismiss. It's there. To say it doesn't exist at all would be a lie. What I must do is embrace this fear, and then dismiss it, replacing it with truer, stronger feelings.

Ultimately, the feelings of fear - the fear of loss, failure and loneliness - are outweighed by the love that I have for K. And it's about more than her beauty, more than what she gives me, more than who she is, which if you were lucky enough to know, would already understand what a blessing she is to have in your life.

It's about this special kind of connection, which gives me this pure, unique and powerful feeling of joy, gratefulness, purpose, worth and pride. It's about feeling two people as one. Working and living and feeling in tandem. Not that we aren't tp be our own person. But in a special way, our own beings are an extension of each other. That K's life is fed by my love. That our roots are entwined, and we feed each other with love as we shoot skyward.


She means all that to me and more, in ways that I will describe in the days, weeks and years to come. I invite you to listen to what I have to say - to hear my voice as I venture to discover the true meaning and expanse of our relationship.

Here are some things that I will give K, to help nourish herself (and myself) during our journey:

1. Worth - I heard this word a lot yesterday, and her feelings of unworthiness cut deep. I will work to show she has meaning to me, and all the different ways that I value her.

2. Understanding - Often when we fight, we each come to new terns of understanding about ourselves, which is often new to each of us. I will work to help us come to these enlightening moments without the baggage of pain and frustration.

3. Honesty and openness - related to understanding, but I will find a way to be open about my feelings, about my life, about my mood and opinion.

4. I will listen.

5. I will do what I say.

6. I will make her want to be with me. Forever. I will make her believe I want to be with her. Forever. Which is true.

7. Love - My love for K does not waver. But I understand it is not always felt. It is often mute by normal day-to-day events. This is where what we have been experiencing differs from what happens in relationships we admire. I will work to show that no matter when nor where, there is no doubt of my love.

8. I will continue to deliberate, explore my mind, write, and seek to understand this relationship. I will nurture it, and love it. And play with it every day.


Now I will go back and lay down with my wife. may anyone reading this be inspired to embark on their own journey to truly understand and appreciate heir closest relationships and the things that matter most in their live.

xxoo David

Down in the Dumps

Lady K and I took a tour of the county landfill yesterday. Whereas most people would wrinkle their nose, and say, "gross," my wife and I are pretty much game for unique opportunities to see how shit works. Doubt I'll ever go again, but glad I saw it once. And if anyone ever asks if you want some leachate in your coffee, say no.

Yeah, so what was really fantastic about this was the opportunity to get out with my wife in a scenario that didn't involve 'inside our house' or at a 'little kids soccer game.' No, this certainly was not dancing nor dinner, nor anything initiated by me. But it was still a departure from the rigueur de vivre, which I think is desired by us both.

After such an interesting and enjoyable outing together, let's hope to see our hero keep the ball rolling and treat his lady right.

Testing

1-2-3


We have liftoff.