Here's a lengthy journal entry from the last day of April. You know what they say about the rain in April, right? Well, it wasn't pretty - it was a fierce storm that almost tore us apart. Thankfully, we held together. I wrote the following shortly after making up:
I wonder if what happened today was the power of love or the power of fear - no, I know it was both. And that's okay. We aren't robots. Fear and love are intangible and abstract concepts that are hard to control, and contain.
Part of me has the idea that our reconciliation is a result of the fear of change. The fear of breaking hearts - especially that of Miss S. Despite the problems in our relationship, there is a level of comfort and security that is hard to dismiss. It's there. To say it doesn't exist at all would be a lie. What I must do is embrace this fear, and then dismiss it, replacing it with truer, stronger feelings.
Ultimately, the feelings of fear - the fear of loss, failure and loneliness - are outweighed by the love that I have for K. And it's about more than her beauty, more than what she gives me, more than who she is, which if you were lucky enough to know, would already understand what a blessing she is to have in your life.
It's about this special kind of connection, which gives me this pure, unique and powerful feeling of joy, gratefulness, purpose, worth and pride. It's about feeling two people as one. Working and living and feeling in tandem. Not that we aren't tp be our own person. But in a special way, our own beings are an extension of each other. That K's life is fed by my love. That our roots are entwined, and we feed each other with love as we shoot skyward.
She means all that to me and more, in ways that I will describe in the days, weeks and years to come. I invite you to listen to what I have to say - to hear my voice as I venture to discover the true meaning and expanse of our relationship.
Here are some things that I will give K, to help nourish herself (and myself) during our journey:
1. Worth - I heard this word a lot yesterday, and her feelings of unworthiness cut deep. I will work to show she has meaning to me, and all the different ways that I value her.
2. Understanding - Often when we fight, we each come to new terns of understanding about ourselves, which is often new to each of us. I will work to help us come to these enlightening moments without the baggage of pain and frustration.
3. Honesty and openness - related to understanding, but I will find a way to be open about my feelings, about my life, about my mood and opinion.
4. I will listen.
5. I will do what I say.
6. I will make her want to be with me. Forever. I will make her believe I want to be with her. Forever. Which is true.
7. Love - My love for K does not waver. But I understand it is not always felt. It is often mute by normal day-to-day events. This is where what we have been experiencing differs from what happens in relationships we admire. I will work to show that no matter when nor where, there is no doubt of my love.
8. I will continue to deliberate, explore my mind, write, and seek to understand this relationship. I will nurture it, and love it. And play with it every day.
Now I will go back and lay down with my wife. may anyone reading this be inspired to embark on their own journey to truly understand and appreciate heir closest relationships and the things that matter most in their live.
xxoo David
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