Cranky Bugs

I've been having a few good days and a few low days. It's unpredictable to me how each day will go. Some days, like today, I wake up slow and lethargic. And not in too good a mood, having missed time that I need to get things done. Now it just piles up, those things I need to do, but don't get around to. And then I get to work and I'm so tired I just want to sleep a moment in my truck. And I feel weak and untogether and so so disappointed in myself. And then I may start to feel unappreciated for all the hard work that I do accomplish, and that I can't even respect what I've done in light of everything that I'm failing at. And this is hard, because I start to feel really alone, and I start losing sight of what my real goal is, which is to connect with Ms K. But I feel so far away from her at times, I feel rejected and unattractive, and given such little regard. We need faith, hope and love. Days like this do not help.

It's disheartening but also distracting. I need to focus, and not get caught up in traps and obstacles. I don't underestimate how important my efforts are to hold together my relationship with Ms K. There's a palpable air of discomfort when we get too close, and I want to shut that down. There's a wall she has put up to protect herself from me, and I need to help her take it down.

I need to get more "you're welcome" and less "uh-huh".

It's never over, until it is. And it isn't now, so it's not. And I won't act like it is. Ms K is an amazing person, beautiful, smart and strong. She seems to like me a bit, and sees good quailties in me, that I'm a good provider and protector at least. So don't stop now, D - it's time to go and get it.